Trying to be Positive

Hey everyone. 

So I think I'm a pretty positive person. 

I try to not bring other people down by being mean or sad all the time(much unlike one of my friends). 

I'm a selfish person, but at the same time not so much. 

I'm selfish when it comes to physical things, however not so much emotionally. 

I mean this as in, if I'm sad/upset/angry I would not say anything to my friends to bring them down too, however when it comes to things I could hold in my hands I would do anything for them. If that makes sense. 

I'm always regarded as selfish though. And when meeting new people, they never seem to care what how I try to make sure everyone else happy, only about the things I have etc. 

Which is tough for me because I've always been sort of negative. 

[DO NOT continue reading if things easily depress/upset you] 

Okay not always but ever since around five-ish years ago, I started to realize a lot of things. 

For example, 

I realized I really don't believe in god or the afterlife. 

Which lead to darker thoughts.

Such as, 

I don't want to die. 

After I'm dead it wouldn't matter though. 

Nothing would matter. 

And then I realized nothing really matters. 

And what's this all for? 

Wake up, eat, work, eat, work, eat, work, sleep, repeat. 

I don't care if it's not work but it's all a little pointless.

And then I came to the conclusion that suicide isn't a terrible option. 

I think about this a lot. 

There isn't a day I don't think about this, even if it's very brief.

Some days, it's worse than others, some days it doesn't bother me. On good days I figure that's why I should make the most of life, on bad days I have trouble even getting by. 

That's all I have for now.

Bye guys.