The aftermath of a toxic friendship...

A few years ago I was friends with this girl (we'll call her H), and although I didn't realize it at the time it was a toxic relationship.

A toxic relationship is an unhealthy relationship. It doesn't necicarly have to be like hitting or whatever, but if the person is always putting you down and using you it's probably a toxic relationship. 

I'm just going to quickly summarize what it was like at the time and then go into how it's still affecting me today, despite the fact that it's been 3 years. 

So when I was friends with H she really used me. And was power hungry, forcing me to go with her and bully my friends (I regret that so much and hate myself for ever even doing that), and not only that she seemed convinced it was a good idea to make me feel absolutely terrible. I remember there was a point in my life that when I got home I would cry because I hated what happened to me. I also remember her getting tired of me after awhile, and replacing me. (I should have realized she did this earlier, but she's the kind of person you just really want to be friends with so I was blinded). H just happened to want to be extremely popular and at the time, and shunned me whenever I tried to object, and even made me follow certain dumb trends. 

Basically what I'm saying is she was mean to me and my other friends, forced me into doing things I didn't want to do and made me feel worthless.

Now here's the aftermath.

Whenever I'm around her, I start panicking. I feel lightheaded, my breathing becomes uneven, I feel sick, I can't focus and just in general it's a terrible experience. Even being around her new friends makes me feel this way, and even when I'm not around them I remember their remarks and feel panic-y.

And this is why I hate 'forgive & forget', 'don't hold grudges' or any other term of the sort, because sure it's good to let things go or forgive, however I can't just 'forget' this. This doesn't just apply to me, it applies to anyone in a toxic/abusive relationship. These sayings are unfair and assume they haven't scarred you.

Now before I go, please please PLEASE ǝsɐǝld NEVER STAY IN A TOXIC/ABUSIVE RELATION!!!! Don't listen to people who tell you otherwise! It's doesn't matter if it's just a friendship or you're dating, NEVER EVER EVER EVER! stay in an abusive relationship.
PLEASE!!!

~wolfs